Online Dating Dilemma: Dishing Out Rejection
The Internet is a strange place, and what seems abnormal
for in-person experiences is completely common on the
Internet. Notice that the word is common, not polite or
considerate.
You need to know how to dish out rejection in an appropriate
way. As with real life, you must do it quickly and with a
modicum of kindness, if possible. Granted, for some people,
a more heavy-handed approach is necessary. In general,
give a rejection firmly. Polite is good, but if it doesn't
work, try sterner and firmer. Anger doesn't help.
If you need further coaching, go to your local electric
company's customer service department and see how
it handles you when you try to dispute a bill by saying, I
never used that electricity.
Many appropriate ways are available to encourage someone
to move along. Each one requires its own special finesse.
This article points out the major ways to do so in specific
situations.
After receiving the very first e-mail from someone
Say that you get an e-mail from someone, and you can tell
immediately that you have no interest in communicating
with that person. Here are the Internet-appropriate ways
to say no:
Don't reply at all, ever. Just delete the message.
In Internet-speak, this tactic is completely understood
to mean Not interested at all, ever.
Note that Internet dating sites vary in the sophistication
of their features.
On some sites, the person knowsthat
you received his or her e-mail and read it. On some sites,
the person also knows that you deleted it.
Send a short reply saying, Thanks for writing, but
I'm not interested. Then delete the person's
e-mail. If the person continues to write, don't answer.
If the person persists, use the blocking feature on your
e-mail system.
And for the record, the inappropriate ways to say no include
Deleting without opening. Again if this e-mail is the first
communication from a prospect, read it. The person spent
the time to write it, so take the few seconds to read it. If
your online system informs the user that their e-mail was
deleted unopened, that is a big, and unnecessary, rebuff.
Sending an e-mail saying Not on your life, you loser.
Using the block feature immediately. If the first inquiry
was polite, you have no reason to take out the big guns so
early. Even if you don't want any further e-mails from
that person, why slap him or her in the face because that
is what it feels like to be blocked.
In the middle of an IM exchange
Say that you're in the middle of an Instant Messaging
(IM) exchange, and you realize that the prospect just isn't
a match. The Internet-appropriate action to take is to
simply say
I need to stop now. I've enjoyed chatting with
you, but I don't think we're a match. I don't
want to waste any more of your time.
Best of luck in your search.
Wait for a reply. If it's an argument telling you why
you are a match, simply sign off. Don't engage in further
IMs. Block him or her if necessary.
And for the record, the inappropriate actions are
Poofing just breaking off the conversation in mid-stream
and logging off. Would you hang up the phone in mid-conversation
if you got bored?
Saying Gotta go and logging off.
Responding with anger or obscenities, even if some were
directed at you.
Sending a pornographic photo for shock value.
Regarding those first two actions, your prospect would
probably think you had computer problems and keep trying
to reach you, which isn't what you want. Regarding
the third action, no stranger is worth any emotional investment
on your part, especially negative ones. Don't go away
mad. Just go away. And regarding the porno action, sending
pornographic material can be construed as harassment
and get you into a heap of legal trouble.
If someone has really incensed you, avoid further trouble
even though you're anonymous. Resist the urge to flame
people. They are unlikely to go postal on you, but some people
are sufficiently sick to do some serious libel and slander.
Some people flame others by sending e-mails, warning people
of a person's supposed bad character. (Don't
date this guy. He is [insert issue here].
) Although
you could sue them for defamation, who needs the grief?
The best way to avoid this sort of thing is to kill people
with kindness, even if they don't deserve it.
In the midst of a phone call
Say that you're in the midst of a phone call with a prospect
(after some e-mail exchanges), and you realize that he
or she just isn't a match. The appropriate actions
to take include
End the phone conversation noncommittally. Then send
an e-mail saying that you have thought over the exchanges
of the past weeks and don't think you're a match.
This method has the advantage of moving your correspondent
to e-mail and away from the phone, as a method of contact.
Gradually, he/she will give up.
Tell the truth and end the conversation, saying that you
don't think you're a match and thanking the person
for taking the time.
And for the record, avoid these inappropriate actions:
Ending the conversation on a positive note, with no intention
of continuing the exchanges.
Hanging up the phone in mid-sentence. (Those darn squirrels.
They chewed through the line again.) He or she will just
call you back.
When people are clueless
Occasionally, you'll run into people who just won't
stop contacting you even after you've rejected them.
Most often, people don't let go because they've
developed fantasies from your photo and essay.
When you
start exchanging messages, the fantasies grow. If you're
still anonymous, the situation probably isn't dangerous,
but you may still feel uncomfortable.
Spotting these people is tough because they seem so genuine
and enthusiastic. So what's your No.1 warning sign?
They express assumptions about the depth of your relationship
with them long before it's appropriate.
Avoid arguments
When your goal is to make a clean break from the person who
won't let go (or any prospect, for that matter), never
argue or defend yourself. You have to accept the bad guy
or girl role unless you want to create an even angrier person
out of your former prospect.
Realize that many people forget how little time they actually
have invested in their exchanges and that they don't
have a good perspective on their circumstances.
If all else fails, let them down hard
When someone just won't quit bothering you and all
else fails, you have to dispense with being polite. Just
as dogs get only one bite (actually, they don't get
any free bites), your discouraged suitor gets only one
apology from you. Then it's over, babe.
The following line is pretty darn effective but only use
it as a last resort:
You need to know that if you attempt to contact me
again, I'll report your activities as an abuse to the
dating site.
The site will then begin to monitor all your
e-mail messages and kick you off the system if it doesn't
like what you're writing.
Afterward, break off the communication. From then on,
your approach is no reply, no comment, no nothing.
Your safety is paramount. If you think you have a problem
prospect, even if you're anonymous, don't feel
uncomfortable reporting the situation to the site operator
(usually under abuse or Webmaster). The pay sites have
a serious interest in protecting their customers and maintaining
good public relations. If you do call for help, supply actual
e-mails or other data giving the supporting facts.
Reporting abuse to the site is far more effective than just
blocking a person's messages (a feature offered on
most sites). However, if you're a drama king or queen,
don't practice your art of the sky is falling.
If you fabricate e-mails and try to damage someone's
reputation, you'll run foul of several civil and criminal
laws maybe even antiterrorism federal law. Remember
that nothing is ever completely erased on the Internet,
so made-up abuse is pretty easy to expose. And if you report
inappropriately, the site will monitor your mail.